My Heart

We are getting back into a routine, a month or so after my Husbands return.  I do love my family so very much.  This whole transition has been really difficult for me.  I only want to be honest.  I am neither a person who is always positive or always negative. I feel bad for the whiplash I give my family between the two and dealing with it has been an adventure.  I was extremely sad when he left but pulled it together so that my kids could see that I was sad but still able to function.  I grew so much while he was gone.  I ventured out in a "New" country on my own, learned little phrases that helped me feel comfortable interacting with the local community, met lots of people and made a few friends in the process, started taking the kids to church and bible study.  I had my routine down and kept busy to pass the time.  I longed for evenings with my husband but also relished in my independence.  I had high expectations for his return.  Disciplining the children was going to be easier, he was going to fit right in and be excited about those activities the kids and I had become used to doing.  I am a romanticizer.  I was not going to be the person who had a hard time dealing with the return of the one person who I can't live without.  How could I not handle that?  I want nothing more than to be with him. So I sit here sharing with you I have been that person.  I have felt that as a mother I am failing this last month because I am finding it harder to deal with the kids.  As a wife, I feel bad that my husband is dealing with me beating myself up because I feel I can't hold it together. I don't want anyone to feel that I am saying it has not been great that he has been home.  It is wonderful, I love hanging out with him, the kids wanting him, holding his hand and being able to share with him the blessings God has given us. I love that he is strong and supportive no matter what silly idea I get, he is a fixer and a builder upper.  I love Him!  I am just bothered with myself for not living up to my own expectation.  It is all normal to have an adjustment period for separations that go on for extended periods of time.  I read something today that made me feel better about keeping it all together.  When things don't fit into the normal pattern or schedule be open to it because God is probably wanting to show you something.  Joy....I am working on Joy...finding Joy amongst the happy, trying, delicate and even sad times...Joy can always be there especially if we look to God and angle it all with the correct perspective it all can still be beautiful.  So this goes out to my family...A heart felt apology for not showing the Joy and Grace I want to embrace...I am a work in progress!  My Heart is with my family I just need to learn to go about it with proper perspective.